The Hopewell Harangue

Hyacinth's mother dishes praise

2008-10-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

Struggling artist Hyancith had a bad week, which ended in her getting drenched in the rain. She had no success in her sculpture of Nicolas Sarkozy, when the progress she had made was destroyed by squirrels. Hyancith, gentle in her nature, did not rebuke the squirrels, but merely sighed and sat down in her shawls to shed a tear.

By today, however, even an afternoon meditation session could not curb her instability, so she turned to what she knew would help - a sugary friend.

Hyacinth's mother sent multiple thank-yous to the cinnamon bun that Hyacinth consumed today. Her mother said she was glad the bun was there to support her daughter in her low times.

"I called up the cinnamon and the bun and the sugar and said frankly, simply, thank you," Hyacinth's mother said from her prairie bakery. "There is nothing better than a warm, sugary hug in the mouth to cheer a person up."

Hyacinth gave no comment, but was later seen chewing on a carrot.

NDP Marble Headed?

2008-09-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

Hammond Hopewell surveys his kitchen, the absence of a kitchen table is as conspicuous as the pinkie he holds askance while sipping his Earl Grey.

“Honestly, I just feel that (NDP leader Jack) Layton has left me out in the cold. He keeps on talking about ‘kitchen table issues’, but where does that leave me?”

Hammond is one of a growing number of Canadians who would love to vote NDP, but aren’t sure if the party speaks to their issues.

“I have a marble bureau in my library,” he says pointing to the elegant escritoire in the darkly panelled room. “What about the ‘marble bureau issues’? Who’s talking about that?”

Hammond may not represent what the NDP consider their base. He’s overpaid as a third string operatic conductor who hasn’t performed in 3 years. He’s never stepped foot inside a Hamilton steel mill. And he continues to believe that Doug Flutie is an ironically named second row violinist.

His cavernous library does include a little red copy of Marx’s Communist Manifesto. But, he says, “that’s there more of a curiosity. A testament to the past that was, much like my lovely, leather-bound edition of Gutenberg’s Bible, and the petrol-powered automobile in my garage.”

Despite this, he says Layton should be making appeals to his ilk.

“If I am to be honest, I expect that the blue collar, Blue-guzzling class of Canadians are as likely to elect an NDP government as they are to trade their Sunshine Girl for Jane Austen. Layton’s votes are here, in the libraries, not at these supposed kitchen tables! But until he can give voice to my marble bureau issues, I’ll not lift a finger to elect the man,” he says, sipping his tea, his pinkie ever inflecting the gesture.

Ink Cartridge Leaves Illegible Suicide Note

2008-09-26T21:43:00.001-07:00

In a disturbing new development from the stand-off with an HP Desktop F4280 printer, witnesses say is only two weeks old, household members found a suicide note left by the black ink cartridge this morning.

Owner and caregiver Hyacinth Hopewell found the note late this afternoon after trying to print her Journalism 5000 assignment. She says the find was "shocking" and unlike the printer she knew.

"It certainly came as a surprise. I just didn't get the warning signs. I blame myself."

Hopewell says she received warnings about something or other with the ink several times in the past week. She did not respond quickly enough, she says.

"I picked up my sheets and as I went through them, I could tell something wasn't right."

The cryptic suicide note says only, "centres before the end" and "programme growth and change through the 1930s, then, was affected by all these factors." "100 watts of power" is also visible.

Investigators are not considering the incident suspicious. They are not willing to replace the ink though, they say.